Wow! (On Receiving Generosity)
I've been on a journey to truly understand generosity this last year. Most of my lessons have come from learning how generosity is necessary to my bliss. I am learning how much I truly have to give and how deeply I desire to give all I have. In the last 24 hours I have received multiple lessons in receiving generosity. So many that I am in shock and awe of my bountiful blessings.
It started with my new boss telling me she plans to give me a bonus for my creative work on the agency's annual report. I have never been paid as a professional for my creative skills before. And I already have a hard time feeling comfortable with getting paid to do something I love so much. Playing with art on my computer is a hobby, not a job. Until now. This is big validation. And brings up big doubts about my worthiness to be financially acknowledged for my artistic abilities.
Then, when my mama-writer friends found out I was leaving to drive my son to the airport in San Francisco (250 miles away) at 2 a.m. on Saturday because we can't afford a hotel, one of them made a hotel reservation for me and gave me the cash to pay for it, as well as extra for food and fun, all under the auspices of a "late birthday gift." I've never had a friend do something like that for me in my life. Another in the group gave me a cash gift so we can take my daughter to the Exploratorium and aquarium because she's never had city fun even though her older brother has several times and is now off to Guatemala for a week with my sister (she'll get her own trip when she turns 16). And another is letting me use her car for the drive because ours is in questionable condition and shouldn't go long distance. What had become a dreaded, stressful idea after the financial decline that followed a month long stint of unemployment, has now turned into a comfortable and fun opportunity for the whole family. I feel so incredibly loved--like my whole family is loved--and there really isn't any bigger or better feeling than that.
Then our kitty came home. He's been missing for over three weeks. We were sad and ready to give up on him.
Then my husband got calls for two job interviews (he's been unemployed for 3 years). This is a big, big deal.
And I had a dinner with a new friend that was so magical (paid for by a gift certificate). You know that amazing chemistry you feel with some people; the knowing that they are destined to be important in your life? This is one of those friendships. I haven't felt this kind of magic in a long, long time.
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. But I am also battling old demons. It is really hard for me to sit in acceptance of all these blessings. Intellectually I know I have opened my heart and given much to the world on the Universe's behalf. Karma, the law of abundance, and many other teachings would imply that generosity would be returned to me one day. But I've never had it happen quite like this. This is big. This is what being loved feels like. What does it mean that this great blanket of love would feel so awkward, so unknown? Whew. I have some real work to do. It shouldn't be this hard to just enjoy being loved. But at least a lesson that comes from positive consequences instead of negative ones. It's a nice change of pace.
It started with my new boss telling me she plans to give me a bonus for my creative work on the agency's annual report. I have never been paid as a professional for my creative skills before. And I already have a hard time feeling comfortable with getting paid to do something I love so much. Playing with art on my computer is a hobby, not a job. Until now. This is big validation. And brings up big doubts about my worthiness to be financially acknowledged for my artistic abilities.
Then, when my mama-writer friends found out I was leaving to drive my son to the airport in San Francisco (250 miles away) at 2 a.m. on Saturday because we can't afford a hotel, one of them made a hotel reservation for me and gave me the cash to pay for it, as well as extra for food and fun, all under the auspices of a "late birthday gift." I've never had a friend do something like that for me in my life. Another in the group gave me a cash gift so we can take my daughter to the Exploratorium and aquarium because she's never had city fun even though her older brother has several times and is now off to Guatemala for a week with my sister (she'll get her own trip when she turns 16). And another is letting me use her car for the drive because ours is in questionable condition and shouldn't go long distance. What had become a dreaded, stressful idea after the financial decline that followed a month long stint of unemployment, has now turned into a comfortable and fun opportunity for the whole family. I feel so incredibly loved--like my whole family is loved--and there really isn't any bigger or better feeling than that.
Then our kitty came home. He's been missing for over three weeks. We were sad and ready to give up on him.
Then my husband got calls for two job interviews (he's been unemployed for 3 years). This is a big, big deal.
And I had a dinner with a new friend that was so magical (paid for by a gift certificate). You know that amazing chemistry you feel with some people; the knowing that they are destined to be important in your life? This is one of those friendships. I haven't felt this kind of magic in a long, long time.
I am so overwhelmed with gratitude. But I am also battling old demons. It is really hard for me to sit in acceptance of all these blessings. Intellectually I know I have opened my heart and given much to the world on the Universe's behalf. Karma, the law of abundance, and many other teachings would imply that generosity would be returned to me one day. But I've never had it happen quite like this. This is big. This is what being loved feels like. What does it mean that this great blanket of love would feel so awkward, so unknown? Whew. I have some real work to do. It shouldn't be this hard to just enjoy being loved. But at least a lesson that comes from positive consequences instead of negative ones. It's a nice change of pace.
posted by April Cheri at 11:36 PM
1 Comments:
Hi Blessings Conspirator,
I remember reading your blog when you had first started doing the cards, and some doubts, and then again renewed faith in giving. From an outside perspective, it seems like you're reaping all the seeds you've been sowing with your kindness.
I know it's hard to measure this things but I've seen it over and over: What goes around, comes around.
Keep sowing the beauty in your own life by bringing beauty into others. :-)
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