On Accepting Generosity

I just had an interesting experience within my social circle that made me realize I have some deep-seated issues about accepting generosity from others. I have trouble believing/assuming that anyone would want to be generous with me, even those nearest and dearest to me. And I suffer severe awkwardness when I receive generosity. I always express my gratitude, but I feel so weird about the attention on me.

It's my birthday on Saturday, some friends want to acknowledge it with a lunch tomorrow, and I feel awkward about it. I don't really do parties or get a lot of gifts and that's ok with me. But the last few years I have always had meaningful acknowledgements from others that they want to celebrate that I exist. That is really what a birthday celebration is; we are saying that we are glad that person was born and is still living. Why can't I enjoy a celebration of my life without marring it with a belief that somehow I don't deserve the attention? Why do I see myself as so much less than the people I want to celebrate and honor?

Last Friday I went to a lunch with my former Board of Directors, the people who just laid me off due to their own failures in fiscal leadership. I was very nervous about it. To the point of physical discomfort. One, because I had never been in a purely social situation with them before. Two, because I was concerned it would be awkward considering the circumstances. I know they feel terrible about having to lay me off. Three, and I think the most relevant, because it felt weird to have a lunch in honor of me. One of the ways I talked myself through the nervousnes was to realize that it was an act of generosity on my part to allow them to express their appreciation for me. That made it easier for me to accept. But I obviously have some self-work I need to do in order to accept my value in the eyes of others. It is really tough for me to consider the idea that I am worthy of celebration and honoring. How sad is that?

Receiving generosity with joy is just as important as being generous joyfully. When I consider the immense joy I feel when I am able to be generous with others, I realize I am shortchanging those who are generous with me by not accepting that they want to give to me. I am keeping them from that experience of joyful generosity. I am being unfair to those I love when I refuse to acknowledge that they could find joy in bringing me joy.

I am being unfair to myself when I don't accept my own worthiness of expressions of love, kindness, and generosity.